If these women could succeed while upholding feminist values and treating their employees humanely, then maybe the patriarchy was just a choice that savvy consumers could shop their way around, Amanda Mull wrote in the Atlantic in 2020, explaining how the girlboss concept had entwined itself with justice. There was a missing word that was on the edge of my tongue and nothing to describe it and cheugy came to me. Legal Information: Know Your Meme is a trademark of Literally Media Ltd. By using this site, you are agreeing by the site's terms of use and privacy policy and DMCA policy. That girl is who women aspire to be, who has her life together, and is the embodiment of wellness from food to fitness, self-care, and career, that girl has it all together and is living her best life. Gaby Rasson, a 23-year-old software developer in Los Angeles who is credited with coining the term, recently told the New York Times that she started using the word back in 2013 while attending Beverly Hills High School as a way to describe people who were slightly off-trend., It was a category that didnt exist, Rasson said in the interview. To the uninitiated, these may sound like a combination of meaningless buzzwords and thats exactly the point. The top definition for girl boss on Urban Dictionary goes as follows: girl youtubers and bloggers who get something for nothing by being all 'girlboss' and contacting brands for freebies. Ouch. Those signs with platitudes about home and family written in flowing script? Girlboy A girl that looks like a boy Opposite of a boygirl i.e. to view the video gallery, or As much as this definition is filled with misogyny, it sounds nice. Sie knnen Ihre Einstellungen jederzeit ndern, indem Sie auf unseren Websites und Apps auf den Link Datenschutz-Dashboard klicken. Stein is arguably the worlds foremost authority on the girlboss movement, having studied and written an entire novel about it. Gatekeep, according to Urban Dictionary, refers to when a person tries to take it upon themselves to decide who does or does not have access or rights to a community or identity. Sign up here. As Abby Siegel, one of Rasson's friends who uses the term, told The New York Times, the term didn't have malicious intent. Your IP: That said, he also matches her penchant for controversy with his own Manipulate, Mansplain, Malewife slogan, proving that no meme will leave a label unscathed for long. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone or a group of people get you to question your perception of events or reality, seen as a form of emotional abuse. She should be able to have that shouldnt she? The feminist scammer in Tolentinos words is a part of the downfall of the girl boss as this is what allows the joke to enter their conversation. Her clear boundaries are then perceived as cruel boundaries or punitive. Ultimately the company, like any, has faced challenges and has gone through bankruptcy more than once. Its not torture, the internet replied, its just girlboss, gaslighting, and gatekeeping with some water. Barstool Sports? By clicking Sign up, you agree to receive marketing emails from Insider She kicks ass!. Amoruso explained the meaning at a Girlboss Rally in 2017: Girlboss is a feeling, a philosophy. Girlboss Jobs is the largest job marketplace in the world for ambitious women looking to make things happen. "Have you seen the new Similar allegations of toxic work environments and discriminatory behavior surfaced at women-led media outlets such as Refinery29, Man Repeller, Who What Wear, and Vogue, as well as womens clothing company Reformation and the women-founded luxury exercise chain SoulCycle. However, lets break this down a little further. Women are held to account for how ethical and virtuous they are as leaders in a way that men are not.. A huge part of the problem is if you make feminism part of your brand, then your customers are going to say, Wait a second. Yea, straight Advertise here! In the UK, it's a term that relates to housing and the practice of local authorities refusing to house homeless people when they have a duty to do so. Now, six years later, low rise jeans are back in style and I dont think theyre cheugy anymore.. The top definition for girl boss on Urban Dictionary goes as follows: girl youtubers and bloggers who get something for nothing by being all 'girlboss' and contacting brands for freebies. Ouch. How it sounded fit the meaning., FYI the millennial girlboss aesthetic is now called "cheugy" https://t.co/hCXECJ4LzX pic.twitter.com/twsyv0lThF, Kelsey Weekman, who was the first to write about the trend for In The Know, cites examples of cheugy culture as T-shirts with phrases such as yes way ros on them and wooden signs you might find at Hobby Lobby.. she's such a girlboss gatekeep gaslight!" gaslight gatekeep n girlboss pic.twitter.com/h5w39G6x8c. InTheKnow ist Teil der Yahoo Markenfamilie. Popularized in 2014 by Nasty Gal founder Sophia Amoruso, the term was stylized with a hashtag. It wasnt to last, and the neologism lost much of its appeal as the decade progressed. Being a girlboss in the early 2010s was considered a good and impressive thing, but now, Gen Z considers it a cringe sign of trying too hard to further oneself. She argues its possible to have conversations about what went wrong without losing sight of accountability or laying these failures at the feet of women writ large. Solomon explains that a lot of girlbosses learned to navigate and were supported by a capitalist system. Cis-gender? to view the image gallery, It also posited a solution so blazingly simple put women in charge that it could never work. The term indexes a variety of familiar aesthetics, like those of white millennial women, girlbosses, college campus Greek life, or "straight TikTok." 9. Are you a feminist company behind the scenes? On TikTok and Twitter, girlboss the verb became yoked to gaslight and gatekeep to create a kind of live, laugh, love of toxic, usually white feminism. Gaslighting is a phrase almost exclusively used by its perpetrators to pass the blame onto their victims. On January 12th, 2021, Tumblr[1] user missnumber1111 posted, "todays agenda: gaslight gatekeep and most importantly girlboss," garnering over 43,500 notes in a month (shown below). 'r' As the trend evolved, Twitter[13][14] users began posting images of characters under each phrase in Twitter posts, meant to personify each phrase (examples shown below). Someone who gaslights and gatekeeps generally isnt a great person, which is why the inclusion of girlboss in the phrase is so interesting. Cain responded to that initial criticism the day after posting her first TikTok, saying that cheugy is also applicable to brand-name products like Gucci belts. Command your space. The barriers facing women in corporate structures, the desire to make workplaces better by making them more inclusive, the anger from being overlooked in current systems its all authentic. Girlboss is a phrase almost exclusively used by women who want to sell cult membership to other women. However, she has evolved, especially within social media. As companies grew in her image, so did her mythos; her legacy would be grand and fair, because equality was coming to work. Conventionally beautiful? The book sold more than 4 million copies worldwide, and established a language to talk about womens issues in a corporate environment. The top definition for girl boss on Urban Dictionary goes as follows: girl youtubers and bloggers who get something for nothing by being all 'girlboss' and contacting brands for freebies. Ouch. According to Urban Dictionary, it is the opposite of trendy cheugy describes a style that was popular in middle school or high school, but is no longer cool. WebGirlboss is a community of ambitious women who are finding success on their terms. WebDefinition of girl boss in the Idioms Dictionary. As The Cut's Mia Mercado wrote, other luxury items like Tiffany & Co. bracelets or Tory Burch sandals are also cheugy. Laughing makes it easier to admit that we got played, that we were once able to foolishly hope that a group of women were going to fix an entire system. ", The term (pronounced chew-gee) has been making the rounds on TikTok over the past month or so and was the subject of a recent report in The New York Times, showing that it's entering the mainstream online lexicon. Users can also decide on which videos [20] get added to entries. In an article from gen medium, writer Leigh Stein quotes Jia Tolentino from her essay, The Story of a Generation in Seven Scams, as saying this on the girlboss The feminist scammer rarely sets out to scam anyoneShe just wants to be successful, again the agency that men claim so easily, to have the sort of life she wants. So I keep seeing videos like this on my For You page, Cain explained, directing viewers to another TikTok video captioned, Things that give off I got married at 20 vibes., People will say things such as this is millennial, or girlboss energy. All of these terms are pointing to the same thing, Cain continued. The term girlboss is a play on the word boss, and is often used to describe a young, successful woman who is in charge of her own life and career. It now seems as though toxic work environments were a feature of their design and not coincidental bugs. Users can also decide on which videos [20] get added to entries. Or it goes the other way, and people perceive her gentleness as weakness.. WebA Billie Girl (or Billie Guy, but that ones rare) is a girl who listens to Billie Eilish and therefore thinks of themselves as a murderer and a psychopath, when theyre actually to scared to ask for a straw for there drink at a restaurant. We can agree that the use of the term girl boss started as a celebration of women who get high positions of power in male dominated environments such as politics or business. TWN-SDSU seeks to guide, inspire, and create ambitious young women in the world. Girl boss is just a marketing teams dream. The girl boss trope can be seen as a movement of empowerment, but it never really addressed anything of substance. girl boss phrase. The word was also added to Urban Dictionary, a site where users catalog internet slang, in November 2018. Weitere Informationen ber die Verwendung Ihrer personenbezogenen Daten finden Sie in unserer Datenschutzerklrung und unserer Cookie-Richtlinie. In the UK, it's a term that relates to housing and the practice of local authorities refusing to house homeless people when they have a duty to do so. Perhaps working for a girlboss was just like working any other job. Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss showcases an alternative voice by translating exaggeratedly normie traits into a language that manages to be absurd and hypercritical all at once. According to Urban Dictionary, Girlboss is a term used to describe a woman who is self-made, running their own business, and acting as their own boss. According to The New York Times, 23-year-old software developer Gabby Rasson created the term. It is very Take for example, the oh-so instagramable womens co-working space The Wing which champions itself for creating work spaces for women. Maybe youre more familiar with boss babe or lady boss? One a word is published, users can then give each definition a thumbs up or thumbs down to help narrow down the best results for a word. Reality, a wilful misinterpretation of a concept that proved to be not all that it seemed. Cheugy. However, over time, it seems to have taken a negative turn. Its 2021. Although their disapproval is more obvious, the humorous countercultural commentary they became places them as a predecessor to more pointed, yet nonsensical memes like the girlboss. Where ambition in workspaces and girl bosses have been stigmatized, TWN seeks to destigmatize and cultivate ambitious women who can lead and elevate themselves, their careers, and other TWN members no matter how long it takes. There's a lot of shame that we had to overcome.. Yea, straight Straight? The so-called Millennial girlboss aesthetic finally has a name: cheugy. One a word is published, users can then give each definition a thumbs up or thumbs down to help narrow down the best results for a word. Subscribe Looking for a New Opportunity? said in a follow-up to her original TikTok video. Maybe mocking the girlboss to the point of redefinition takes back a little of that power. Other cheugy-like qualities evidently include a die-hard love for the NBC sitcom The Office, posting Minion memes on Facebook, and even a fondness for lasagna. Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss becoming a meme thats now used to point out the hollowness of capitalism or organizations like the CIA co-opting social justice talk feels like the last gasps of the girlboss. After a friend tells me about their laundry list of responsibilities, I nod knowingly and say, Youre girl bossing too close to the sun." Subscribe Looking for a New Opportunity? The concept of the girlboss failed us all. 10. The hard work they put into their jobs would finally be rewarded. Men in leadership positions are expected to be assertive and direct. The term was popularized to our generation in 2014 with the publishing of online clothing store Nasty Gal founder Sophia Amorusos autobiography #girlboss. The term girl boss. Their speeches of empowerment are filled with hypocrisy as intersectionality is rarely brought into the conversation. It seems "girl boss" has become a joke at the expense of ambitious women trying to create their own path in the world. Like similar terms, some critics have said that the "cheugy" aesthetic plays into misogynistic and classist tropes about what kinds of items or cultural phenomena are perceived as out-of-touch. girlboss, feminism, gaslighting, work, controversy, gatekeeping, gaslight gatekeep girlboss, tumblr, twitter, catchphrases, meme insider, editorials, demotivational posters, live laugh love, malewife. Instead, they use their one area of oppression as their ticket to the girl boss club. Who wouldnt want to be told they are in control, empowering and inspiring? Urban Dictionary: gaslight gatekeep girlboss gaslight gatekeep girlboss (Adj) a funny phrase almost always used ironically. It also seems to encapsulate a number of masculine tropes like the Barstool Sports catchphrase "Saturdays are for the boys" and hanging flags on a bedroom wall, which the @cheuglife Instagram account called "the epitome of male cheug interior design.". Since then, the expression became the new cool title everyone would self-proclaim. On January 18th, the image was reposted to Twitter[4] for the first time. As we all know, anything Beyonc does is a huge cultural moment.. 9. The implicit promise was that if consumers made these girlbosses successful, it would mean better working conditions for women, and with that, maybe empowerment for all. Performance & security by Cloudflare. Cast Your Vote To Select The Meme Of The Month! Unlike other adjacent slang words "local" or "basic" immediately come to mind cheugy isn't as strongly negative, and it's also something with which some people self-identify. 10. The format reflects how in its short lifespan, the Girlboss has managed to take on some very unfavorable meanings. In this context, power and money became measures of equality, and rising to power in a capitalist system turned into an empowering feminist victory. The cheugy aesthetic, while encapsulating a number of similar products or phenomena as "basic," can also be applied regardless of gender. We all know about pyramid schemes, and somehow they wormed their way into the idea of a girl boss. Girlboss downfalls, under this line of thinking, arent seen as just a failure of business but also as a betrayal of their gender. A Girlboss is an empowered woman who takes charge of her own life, is self-made and independent. Google Pay. Her most convincing point was that girlboss failures werent some new folly or unique to women; this was, quite simply, capitalism. The outsider opinion used as a framing device has not changed, but it has moved into a form of roleplay instead. The phrase is used to mock the stereotypical sentiments of the typical "empowered feminist," with each term holding a negative connotation in reference to female empowerment. Inti St Clair/Getty Images; Dreamworks; Zappos; Brett Carlsen/Getty Images, NOW WATCH: VIDEO: Controversial influencer Lovely Peaches tells police she threatened to kill her dog for followers, whimsical Rae Dunn products people lose it over, Anne Helen Peterson wrote for BuzzFeed News in 2014, also applicable to brand-name products like Gucci belts, Barstool Sports catchphrase "Saturdays are for the boys". Be confident in yourself and your abilities., 7. What does girlboss mean? Nov 02, 2022 at 09:47AM EDT The word "cheugy" went viral on TikTok and was the subject of a recent. girl boss phrase. Research shows that as women get older, and as women become more powerful, they are perceived as less likable. Meme Insider is a Know Your Meme publication and the world's leading internet culture magazine. In June 2020, Stein herself wrote a viral think piece asserting the death of the girlboss. Urban Dictionary: gaslight gatekeep girlboss gaslight gatekeep girlboss (Adj) a funny phrase almost always used ironically. Heyo, the person who sent you this wants you to know about this TikTok meme, Britney Spears takes over the Its Gonna Be May meme thanks to her fans, Ben Affleck allegedly sent a video after a woman thought his Raya profile was fake. WebThere's a new word out there to describe the intersection of millennial, girlboss, and out-of-style cringe: "cheugy." For more than a decade, she explained, study after study was published about how women in leadership roles were penalized for how they talked to their employees. "Have you seen the new If so, then why arent we talking about how my other inherent privileges got me there? Co-workers are not friends, companies are not families: Worker mocks workplaces culture after being made to return to office for it, https://www.tiktok.com/@webkinzwhore143/video/6945562242259684613?is_from_webapp=v1&is_copy_url=0&sender_device=pc&sender_web_id=6922908146425415174, *First Published: May 4, 2021, 2:04 pm CDT, adamantly defend side parts and skinny jeans. Sie knnen Ihre Einstellungen jederzeit ndern, indem Sie auf unseren Websites und Apps auf den Link Datenschutz-Dashboard klicken. Urban Dictionary: girlbossify girlbossify Making someone a # girlboss, empowering females, used to empower females and show women's power. What's cheugy? Somehow the fact that I was a girl and made it that far in the competition or was the only girl to be on that team was something to be proud of. All this has made the girlboss a target of online counterculture for some time. The energy and desire for something better still exists. Women who are characterized as cheugy are also often proudly cognizant of their life choicessuch as millennials who adamantly defend side parts and skinny jeans despite overwhelming Gen-Z ridicule. WebDefinition of girl boss in the Idioms Dictionary. Are we really saying as a culture, No, they dont get to try again? The phrase is used to mock the stereotypical sentiments of the typical "empowered feminist," with each term holding a negative connotation in reference to female empowerment. The rise and fall of the girlboss says more about how comfortable weve become mixing capitalism with social justice, as we look to corporations to implement social changes because weve lost faith in our public institutions to do so, Stein wrote. This also highlights generational differences and the values of Gen Z and Millenials., Whereas millennials bought into girl boss culture and played an integral part in it Gen Z sees it as fake and demeaning. Publish if it looks plausible. PROTIP: When I was first introduced to the word in 2015, low rise jeans were cheugy. Ultimately, cheuginess is a vibe, something that you can sense without always being able to substantiate why. In this case, it also sets the stage for self-acceptance in a way that "basic" didn't. Cast Your Vote To Select The Meme Of The Month! The term girl boss was for me, and for many other girls and women, a way to reappropriate the word with a positive connotation. We can overwork ourselves, and that can, unfortunately, lead to our own downfall. The media narrative surrounding these very different companies origins was pretty similar: A woman, or a group of women, has an idea for a company that fulfills a need for young women especially; funding is difficult to find (because venture capitalists underestimate women) but is eventually secured; a unique company is created, one that is an extension of the founders backstories and forged by their struggles; the women succeed because theyve leaned into their strengths as female founders, and in doing so overcome a specific stripe of sexism. The word was also added to Urban Dictionary, a site where users catalog internet slang, in November 2018. Women need to be aware of this timeline and recognize how a phrase meant to empower women can be warped into the butt of the joke.. 2007-2023 Literally Media Ltd. OpinionsJolle Jalbert Published February 5, 2021 5 minutes. In some aspects, Solomon explained, the girlboss label allowed women to assert power or lean in without threatening or alienating people around them. gaslight girlboss Instead, she was right at home there within all of these workaholic, toxic patriarchal structures, and we couldnt forgive her for it. "Have you seen the new ", However, the term girl boss has taken a bit of a nasty turn and in an article by Early Magazine, writer Isabell Solane discusses how the word has become a slur. On February 16th, Twitter[12] user @bridgersfilm uploaded a post containing both phrases overtop of a screenshot of the main characters from the film Gone Girl, meant to depict the two phrases, garnering over 27,900 likes and 4,400 retweets in three days (shown below). Added 11. JK Rowling s girlboss McFeminism is real obvious you realize she only supports girls who arent like other girls by tay.tayyyyyy March 5, 2021 Get the girlboss mug. Sign up to receive tips on work, life, and how to chase (and reach!) Though, while some may point to cheugy as yet another way to bully or demean women, in a piece for Rolling Stone, columnist Ej Dickson provides another take. Girl boss - Idioms by The Free Dictionary (Despite the name, a girlboss does not necessarily have her own business.) The demise of the girl boss has begun to redefine what it means to be an ambitious woman and how to be one as well, given that its being called into question if women can still be ambitious without being labeled without a negative connotation. i want her so bad" by mijishi March 9, 2021 Get the girlboss gatekeep gaslight mug. Stay up to date with what you want to know. Reader support helps us keep our explainers free for all. Cheugy. Everyone was supposed to win when girlbosses won. your dreams. As more and more of these stories surfaced, girlboss shifted culturally from a noun to a verb, one that described the sinister process of capitalist success and hollow female empowerment. While basic characterizes someone or something as unoriginal, unexceptional, and mainstream, cheugy takes it a step further. That said, next time you pose with a Rae Dunn mug on Instagram, know that youre taking your reputation into your own hands. Please consider making a one-time contribution to Vox today. The term gatekeeping girlboss refers to a woman who is in a position of power and influence, and who uses her position to exclude other women from positions of power and influence. "Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss" is a statement of intent as toxic as it is catchy, and it makes a great wall decal. Girlboss is a part of this, but further than that, it represents the ending of another cycle as well. Heres Your Guide to Remote Work Visas, Sam Levinson Thought She Wanted to Be an EntrepreneurThen Her Business "Failed", 6 Women Making Giant Leaps for the Future of Space, Transformable Vegan Leather Laptop Bag Set (Laptop Stand), Ireland Baldwin on Escaping Hollywood, MotherhoodAnd, Yes, Nepotism, Deepti Vempati is Proof that You Should Always Listen to Your Gut, Georgina Gooley Chases Fulfillment, Not Success. Someone who gaslights and gatekeeps generally isnt a great person, which is why the inclusion of girlboss in the phrase is so interesting. Thats whats unfair to me. Fixing their own businesses isnt as ambitious as solving Americas deep problems, but its at least a small step in changing the system. Subscribe Looking for a New Opportunity? "Misogyny is insidious and takes many forms in our culture, but making fun of someone for posting Minion memes is not one of them," she wrote. Literally every woman that I look up to is unrelatable, Rachel Hollis, a very wealthy self-help guru, said in a TikTok video in April, describing how she wills herself to wake up at 4 am to conquer her day. The concept of a girl boss is becoming highly publicized over time through internet use and social media and women's ability to create online stores and cultivate their own businesses. This has to do with ideas of ambition, and what it means to be an ambitious woman. On that day, Twitter[2] user @CUPlDL0VE posted, "my agenda is gaslight gatekeep and #girlboss," the first instance of the phrase on Twitter. In practice, girlbossing often appeared to be shallow and mean. 2007-2023 Literally Media Ltd. WebA Billie Girl (or Billie Guy, but that ones rare) is a girl who listens to Billie Eilish and therefore thinks of themselves as a murderer and a psychopath, when theyre actually to scared to ask for a straw for there drink at a restaurant. Right now, you are probably picturing someone, or multiple people in your head with this idea of girl boss in mind. ". In particular, Gen Z uses this as a phrase for something they hate, and the phrase always has a satirical connotation. This is a shift from previous generations, which looked for their government to enact change. The word, my friends, is 'cheugy.'". The term itself sounds great. "so trueeeee!!! The concept of a girl boss is becoming highly publicized over time through internet use and social media and women's ability to create online stores and cultivate their own businesses. As Rasson told The New York Times, the term spread among her friends in high school, at summer camp, and at college. The girlboss brought to life a way to talk about real concerns and barriers in the system honestly and frankly. This is used as an exclamation after Women, however, face a paradoxical situation in which theyre judged if theyre not assertive enough, but then theyre also judged if they are too assertive and direct, Bier told me. Lorenz described it to Rolling Stone as "trying too hard with the trends.". Girl boss - Idioms by The Free Dictionary (Despite the name, a girlboss does not necessarily have her own business.) In terms of how it's trended on social media platforms like TikTok, the phrase is perceived more as a joke. Girlboss (verb) to make something or someone appear as a feminist idol or inspiration for profit, despite the numerous flaws of the person. i want her so bad" by mijishi March 9, 2021 Get the girlboss gatekeep gaslight mug. So Im sure youve seen it before; probably on your friends pinterest board, or in the home decor section of Walmart. Reject nonsense. In speaking to experts about the rise and fall of the girlboss, the one theme that keeps surfacing is that while the term ultimately flopped, the enthusiasm surrounding it was real. After it was filed, employees came forward with stories about how Amorusos company was a toxic workplace. Publish if it looks plausible. The same year, employees at Glossier alleged they faced discrimination from both their company and the customers they served. Both Bier and Solomon told me that younger people and members of Gen Z are more aware than previous generations when it comes to companies and brands values, and they factor in those values e.g., equality, diversity, inclusion when deciding where to spend their money. As with all meme formats, the debate is always remaking itself in a slightly different guise. The term girl boss was coined by Sophia Amoruso who began a fast-fashion retail site from eBay known as NastyGal in the early 2010s, as highlighted in her book #Girlboss. She built herself an empire and an online shopping experience that offered affordable clothing. girlboss A person who co-opts popular feminist girl power rhetoric as a way to virtue signal to other neoliberals and shield themselves from criticism. ), its vision of empowered success remained seductive to a generation of young female professionals. A girl boss isnt real, she's just going to try to sell you on some cheap hair product or clothing brand and get you to join the brand that shes selling as a way to move up the pyramid, ultimately not caring what happens to you in the process. There are several actions that could trigger this block including submitting a certain word or phrase, a SQL command or malformed data. WebWhen you wake up the next morning and she's sleeping on your arm so you gnaw your arm off rather than wake her up On February 15th, Tumblr[10] user @relelvance posted, "Manipulate, mansplain, malewife" as a male-themed opposite to "gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss," garnering over 27,000 notes in four days. Karen Schneiders 2016 blog article says that there are 12 Ways To Make Sure You're Becoming A #GirlBoss, Not A Mean Girl The list is as follows:, 1. The girlboss cant hurt you if you can laugh at her. . Cheugy. [11] Twitter Manipulate, mansplain, malewife! With pink chairs, pinterest-worthy decor and mirrors everywhere since apparently women are always worried about their appearance, this place looks perfect for girl bosses. Amoruso swooped in with the shorthand soon after. 10. Girlboss language wasnt just used in the C-suite stratosphere. Gatekeeping is a phrase almost exclusively used by people who're upset that other people don't proactively support their stances. as well as other partner offers and accept our. That girl is also mostly about the focus on the self; self-care, self-actualization instead of then changing herself for others.